(Old video projector whirring up) (Cheerful instrumental music) *BEEP!* Welcome to Artie’s Odds & Ends! My name is Artie and this is my socially-awkward son, Dennis. And we’re here to announce the first ever limited edition Michael’s Step Dad Plush toy! *BEEP!* Have you always wanted to have a step dad in real life, but never had the chance? Me neither! So why not have a step dad plush toy instead? This little guy is not gonna tell you to clean your room or to brush your teeth or to bail him out of jail after his 40th DUI.
*BEEP!* It’s the perfect addition to your brewstew plush toy collection! Hell, with all 3 of these, you can go ahead and make up your own brewstew stories yourself! *BEEP!* “Michael, why did you flush a Boba Fett action figure down the toilet?” “Because I’m a dirty little bastard, that’s why!” “God damn it, you’re getting 10 across the ass!” *BEEP!* Dad, what’s it like, having a step dad? Well, Dennis, it’s a lot like having a real dad.
Except they smell like bourbon all the time, and they never go to your Little League games. *BEEP!* This just in, if you order a plush toy in the next 15 minutes, one dollar will be donated to Michael’s Step Dad’s Beer Fund Foundation.
And the last I heard, the man drinks Natty Light, Dennis. You know how much Natty Light you can buy for a dollar? *BEEP!* Now, these bad boys are limited edition only. They’re only available for the next 3 weeks.
So you better not miss out! Because one they’re gone, they’re gone forever. Then your ass is gonna have to buy it on eBay or some shit. And the last thing you wanna do is go on eBay looking for step dads, Dennis.
That shit sounds dangerous. *BEEP!* You’re gonna want one of these step dad plush toys, I tell you what! But don’t take my word for it, listen to these testimonials! *BEEP!* Uh, I’d rather shit the world’s largest pine cone, than have a step dad, no thanks! *BEEP!* Look at this goddamn thing! It looks nothing like me! It’s soft and cute, and it doesn’t have a beer in its hand! It’s literally the exact opposite of me, god damn it! *BEEP!* One time my step dad drank 14 beers, and we couldn’t find him for 7 hours, because he passed out on the shitter.
(Step dad yelling) God damn it, Michael, (Step dad yelling) why are you telling everybody my business?! Get over here, you’re getting 10 across the ass! *BEEP!* So click on the link in the description of the video, and get yourself a sweet, sweet, limited edition Michael’s Step Dad Plush Toy! Now, they’re only available until September 18th, so you better hop to it or you yourself might be getting 10 across the ass! All right, Dennis, all this step dad talk is freaking me out! Let’s go prank-call your mom’s new boyfriend a couple dozen times to make sure he’s not feeling all-fatherly all of a sudden.
*BEEP!* (Music ends)